How to be a Bad Gamer/How Nintendo Screwed me Over in Video Games

According to many family and friends I am a gamer. I do enjoy video games but I am AWFUL! Absolutely 100% not as good as what an actual gamer should be. I enjoy the older games and their systems and I’m okay at them, you know, the usual, Super Mario Brothers, Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time, Sonic, Goldeneye (okay I wasn’t that good at Goldeneye), street fighter ( I wasn’t actually that good at that either now that I think about it), and some game with little toys and a clock that I used to play with my uncle and can’t ever remember what the name was.

Anyway, I have been pretty Nintendo loyal my whole life as to why you don’t see many other system games (Mario Brothers fo life). I was recently playing Luigi’s Mansion on my GameCube for the 12th time (hey its been a couple years since I busted it out!) and I used to be excellent. Yes, used to (use to or used to ??? whatever grammar lessons another da)… Yeah… I’m not so much anymore. Did you ever notice many Nintendo games are inverted? I did! Mainly because at friends or extended family houses I would play on their systems usually an xbox or the 360 or Sony fans with their PS2 or PS3, and I could never figure out how to work the damn character to look where I wanted! This is when I discovered that Nintendo may have screwed me over in learning how to play games with the big dogs.

I have recently purchased a PS4 (mainly because the Wii U was way more expensive than what I got everything else for and the games well there aren’t many I would like) I also have several titles for the system. I have pretty much stuck to playing the “child friendly” games a.k.a LEGO anything and Little Big Planet. Although I do have titles such as Injustice, Last of Us, Warframe, and pretty much any title that has been released to PlayStation plus members. Guess what? I AM AWFUL AT ALL OF THESE GAMES! Including the LEGO games!

So here is my full proof plan on how to be a bad gamer.

Step 1: BE LOYAL TO NINTENDO! Like I said, I DON’T know how to use these newfangled controls. Wait you’re telling me there’s an extra stick so that one controls direction of movement and the other controls sight. UGHHHH 

Also, up is up and down is down now?! Brandon, most likely was Nintendo loyal. Which leads me to step 2.

Step 2: Change the controller settings! Guess what I used to do? Someone told me I could change the controller settings so that it was something closer to what I was used to. While playing a rotating players game of Halo I got in there on the first round and changed the settings. SUCKAS! Not only was my controller inverted but the joysticks moved like GoldenEye and I changed my button layout to something I thought made a bit more sense (I believe Boxer). THIS IS FROWNED UPON BY ALL YOUR FRIENDS! They have learned all the default settings and are stuck in their ways. I am a innovator! So as soon as I lost the round which I so often did I wouldn’t worry, because whichever sorry soul got my controller was in for a ride. One where they would lose and I again would be back in the game.

ahhh a bit better now

Step 3: When you buy a new system that isn’t Nintendo based you will attempt to learn these default settings and it is going to take some time to get use to so its best to play everyday and stick to one or two new games at a time to not confuse the settings.

Step 4: Ignore most of step 3. Especially the part where you stick to one or two new games at a time to learn their button layout. Also who has time to play EVERYDAY!? This is not my career path. Sure now you’ve gotten used to not changing the settings. OK! But my brain hurts and I’m scared shit-less of these damn clickers! HOW DO THEY KEEP POPPING UP OUT OF NOWHERE!!!!!

Step 5: Always play with people who are so much better than you that you don’t get a good amount of practice…because you’re dead most of the time… maybe all the time. One or two pegs better than you should be the max amount but you like to live life on the edge. This also works with starting the story mode of a game at level EXTREME, INSANE, or WTF were you thinking, then decide later that easy may have been the right choice.

Step 6:  Take your time …probably too much time. Did you see step 4? One because you will get the crap beat out of you and two because its going to be scary. Ever heard of F.E.A.R, Slender, LUIGI’S MANSION! jk (but the ghost just pop out noisy and …nvm)? Or yeah those damn clickers again wait WTF IS THAT!!!!!??? I HAVE TO FIGHT THAT!!!! (At this point you may cry uncontrollably and hide underneath your blankets and sweaters)

bad gamer

Step 7: Resort back to playing on your Nintendo devices because they are safe and have all the characters you know and love and won’t make you shit yourself.

Plus the controllers just seem so much more simplistic.

With these steps I can guarantee hours spent on things that don’t ultimately matter in life. Now go forward and become the gamer you never thought you’d be!

-Jess

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